Monday, August 5, 2013

Time to be honest

My world has changed and it has changed for the better.  I have been believing so many thoughts it has been impossible for me to be truthful.  Everything that has been posted so far has been heavily motivated by ego and not by any kind of seeing.  My every relationship has been a lie for as long as I have believed that I need someone else's love.  Seems I wanted it to be true so much that it became my truth and sometimes I amazed myself at how what was coming out appeared to be my truth.  I was a creative parrot,  I saw the words and phrases and concepts that impressed me and I made them mine.  Either way it doesn't matter.  None of it matters except that while I was busy proving my mind was evolved what I was really doing was being untrue.  It is fine.  I can love the confused man and see that he did it all for love however confused that may have been.

So what now?  Who knows.  I have noticed intense periods of joy.  I have noticed that what is true is critical to me and I am learning and working on what is true.  I am so sorry I was so confused and so happy to finally see it clearly.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

It could be just about kindness.  
To be kind to others is to be kind to ourselves. The world isn't dark and terrible and frightening but we can see it that way because sometimes we forget to be kind to ourselves.  We sometimes even forget the opportunities right in front of us.   There is no need to rush off looking for somewhere to perform a random act of kindness.  Kindness is our nature.

We don't need a reason,  we don't need a reward or recognition, because these are shallow and empty compared to watching love in action.  We can see people who are unkind as being kind as well.  They present us all with the most exquisite environment for loving the way life is.  They remind us how painful it is to find that in ourselves. It just confusion.  We all know about confusion.  Being kind is an end to the confusion in ourselves.

We don't need to be perfect.  We can't help but be perfect.  We don't need to worry about the past or the future and now is already here, as an opportunity to show kindness to ourselves.  How wonderful to live this dream with this loving simplicity.  How kind it is to be kind.  How kind to see kindness as love.

When we are kind we come home and see that we never left.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Face of God

Sometimes we much rather talk about our concepts of God. Sometimes we much rather think intellectually (as if there were another way!) about God. We focus on a heaven in the future a relationship somewhere, sometime in the foggy mists of imagination. "The kingdom of heaven is within" is also interpreted and analysed, as if there were something in the investigation that could somehow benefit us.

For me, that which is revealed, that which is intimately permeating every moment, that which for lack of a better description we call reality, is the God of my recognition. When attention is there there is nothing and there is nothing else. Intimately cradled in the expression of what is. Here there is no you, no me, no God, no not-God.

The process cannot be explained except as an interpretation of what appears. The face of God reveals as that which was never hidden, and the notion of anything other than heaven is comical. Nothing ever depended on mistaking or not mistaking the individual as separate.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What is "I"

The separate individual "I" never existed. The question "Who am I" is totally meaningless and without substance. What I am is both the appearance and the perception, both the questioner and the question.
There is no meaning in any of it and the search for meaning is what I am simultaneously with the perception of what is used to search, conclude, see, know.
Yesterday a butterfly was laying its eggs on a plant. The notion of butterflies for eons birthing and dying in an eternal cycle was like a huge crack appearing in the illusion. No reason - there is no reason to be found by the perception side of the appearance, and BOTH appearance and perception arise together and subside together. What I am is you and everything and me and the perception of all of it prior to that point. The notion of prior and now is what I am too. To the teachers of non-duality who parrot the mantra "You are That" - there is no You and there is no Not You. All that is is perception and perceiving. Nothing and Nothingness and nothing is not a something. Wow!

Monday, November 14, 2011

A noisy, noisy mind.

Here is where I have been missing the point. It is my mind that has embarked on every mission of searching, seeking, discovering. It is mind that has been looking for that which it can never find. Mind that is only a distraction. Mind has intellectualized the whole game. Watching thoughts, quieting the mind, trying to see that which is watching that. Funny! So this week I have been using a four letter word - STOP! Every time I have caught myself following thoughts, I have mentally and often verbally shouted "STOP!" Amazing for at least two reasons. Firstly it shows exactly how thought dominated (unknowingly) I am and have been. This morning taking the garbage out early I noticed the thought "I had better be quiet or the neighbours will be unhappy" STOP! Then I really miss my children STOP! Then - I need to hurry or I will be late STOP! Then - wow saying STOP seems to be really helping STOP! Then etc etc etc etc etc etc - STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There have been so many thoughts for so long that I have not even been aware of them. The thought based entity is completely in charge even in the process of self realizing. Complete madness actually when seen.
The second amazing revelation is that behind the clutter and insanity of this thinking entity is wonderful peace and joy that is masked by the attention given to the clutter. It feels as if it rises from deep within or maybe it just a taste of what is just what is. Seems there is so much smiling occurring on the inside here my face feels warm. This is what my fruitless attachment to thoughts has been obscuring. Mind is a wonderful tool that in my case has thought itself into existence as a separate entity. What confusion! Now the thought - Not believing these thoughts will stop me from being caring and nurturing relationships and STOP STOP STOP!!! I prefer to be kinder to myself than that. STOP!

Friday, November 4, 2011


I have been pondering morality lately and I can't find a problem with anything. Let me take every evil, wrong, harmful, hurtful act of murder, rape, genocide, betrayal etc etc in the history of humanity and place all of them into a box in my left hand. Now to take every act of goodness, and kindness, self sacrifice and every saving grace and act of unconditional love and place these in a box in my right hand. In my two hands then are every judged act of good and bad in history. Now let me throw both boxes into the sea and then without any history make my way along the water's edge. Now without any history, without any knowledge of past then all I have is experience unfolding. Some experience I notice causes pain, some experience I notice does not. Some experience causes pleasure. To try to control pain and pleasure as a future ideal is madness and leads to suffering. The experience of pain is no higher or lower than that of pleasure. Where does free will even exist except as a concept? Where is self determination an option? Is existence a game of seeking self through experience? Is existence beyond the concept of an experiencer? Is what appears appearing for no reason, for no purpose? I don't know except that what ever happens is what is happening and is perfection and without option. There is never a "should not" in the moment of unfolding. What appears is always clear and kind.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I wonder

Somewhere along the line it made sense to look for some kind of meaning. I originally dived into spiritual seeking as an attempt to try to escape a messy separation with my first wife and a dissatisfaction with what I perceived to be the shallowness of my existence.
In the days, weeks, months, years and now decade since I journeyed down every detour, every recommendation, every diversion looking for some kind of validation, looking for some sense, something to satisfy what was an obsession.

I watched satsangs, read spiritual literature, prayed, meditated, and tried to imitate whoever it was who was impressing me at the time. I was told that I wasn't who I thought I was. I was told that I had never been born and could never die. I was told that I had never existed as a separate entity. I was told that my true nature was peace, and love and joy (usually with capital letters). I dabbled in Buddhism, Hinduism, Gnosticism, Paganism, Animism, Yoga, Naturism and every other ism I could find. I scoured the book stores and when a book came my way I immediately saw that it was life somehow leading me. I was told to ask the question "Who am I" and allow this question to burn away all others.

I emailed Guru's and received some wonderful responses. I came to see that there is only one mind and that I am not my body. I saw myself as realized and had moments of bliss and profundity. I saw myself in all beings and saw all beings as god. I borrowed quotations from anyone and made them my own. I gave up the search (or told myself) and became obsessed with I don' know. I saw that I didn't have a clue what love was or is. I saw that I didn't have an inside or a heart. I saw that I was not in anyway perpetually Joyful or Peaceful or Silent. I saw that I no longer feared death. I also saw that I didn't understand how everything has already happened and that we are only watching a re-run.

And then something happened.

I saw that everything depended on what thought I believed. If I believed any thought I suffered. I don't know if thoughts are even real. I don't know if what I see as I is real. I don't know if there is any reason for anything. I don't know if I can be any more or less loving, joyful, peaceful awake. I can't follow the lead of anyone else. They have followed their own paths. I can only follow my own path and there is nothing difficult about that. Just notice that whatever is happening (or appearing to happen) right now is the kindest, sweetest teacher I could ever have.

My path turned out to be always here and now. My path never lead me anywhere or took me away. Others have done what they have done. I do whatever I do. Always now.